Two sexy people -- Many dirty bars

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1/27/2014

Rich people are just as gross, if not grosser, than middle class people, so it shouldn't come as a complete surprise that Chad and I have been to more than a few over-priced Westside bars and restaurants in our day. We LOVE the people-watching and eavesdropping.

The food and drinks are generally no better than the food and drinks, at say, an Olive Garden, but you pay for the experience. Dining in Beverly Hills, you are guaranteed three things: (1) the (aforementioned) outrageous prices, (2) men who talk about what they have and how much money they make, and (3) plastic surgery so bad you confuse it with gender reassignment.

It ain't pretty.

To read about our experiences rubbing elbows with the rich and scummy, please visit the 'Resume - Top Shelf' tab.

Xxx,
Alyssa

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Trader Sam's Enchanted Tiki Bar

1/26/2014

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When planning a trip to Disneyland, there are several things to consider. When should I go? What should I wear? Where can I get a drink?

Weekday… tennis shoes… Trader Sam’s Enchanted Tiki Bar...

So Trader Sam’s is not actually in Disneyland; it's right around the corner at the Disneyland Hotel. Chad and I learned about this little gem when desperately scanning the internet for dive bars in the area. Although not a dive in any sense of the word, Trader Sam’s is dark, exciting and intimate; the perfect place to relax and escape from the bevy of screaming children and overeager foreigners.

Trader Sam's is the hidden island oasis of Disneyland-land. After a day of walking and dodging double-strollers, nothing sounds better than a fruity rum cocktail in a keepsake ceramic tiki glass; and Trader Sam's has got you covered. I'm especially a fan of the blue skull glasses the Shrunked Zombie Head cocktail comes in (see left).

The space and theatrics alone are the major reason to visit. Whenever a specialty cocktail is ordered, the entire bar goes into "shipwreck" mode: the bartenders cheer and squirt "rain" water on the guests, the lights flash on and off, thunder sound effects blast from the speakers and it really feels like a silly, Disney-good time. Some of the bar stools actually move up and down, which startled us after a few Krakatoa Punches.

Trader Sam’s also offers food, including an Ahi tuna appetizer, which is probably the closest thing to sushi in the Disneyland area. Score and bonus.

I don’t think I could be any more infatuated with this place. All the right elements are there: atmosphere, drinks, chill staff. It is a product of Disney, so the drinks are measured and overpriced, but given the options you have for bars in the Disneyland area, this is your absolute best bet.

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Three Days in Seattle - Day 3

1/16/2014

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My third day in Seattle was too brief. Shortly after waking up, I was on my way back to Sea-Tac. Hungover, unshowered, and uncaffeinated, I was truly dreading the three-hour flight home.

I grab a Starbucks (a Seattle company, fyi) and settle down in a chair with my stack of magazines. A chick with pink hair and a Pearl Jam beanie sits next to me. I hate Pearl Jam, but I enjoy any opportunity to talk rock. We become fast friends.

She tells me about how she's traveled all over and been to, like, a thousand Pearl Jam concerts. I'm thinking in my head, "you're weird." While she's talking, I notice the familiar intro of 'No Excuses' playing through the speakers and at that moment, it could not have been a more perfect ending to an amazing vacation.

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Three Days in Seattle - Day 2

1/8/2014

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In preparation for my trip, I watched the Seattle episode of Anthony Bourdain’s ‘Layover’. The two spots that stood out most to me were Unicorn (what I can accurately describe as a bubblegum taxidermy circus bar on acid) and 5 Point Café (early morning Happy Hour, 6am-9am!). I decided to devote Saturday to these two bars, The Central Saloon (for rock ‘n’ roll purposes), and any other bars we might stumble across along the way.

5 POINT CAFE: Seattle is fucking freezing, so Anna and I grab a couple coffees and make our way over to 5 Point Café. It is 11am, so we’ve missed Happy Hour, but based on how dirty it looked on ‘Layover’, it would’ve been a shame if we didn’t stop in. Once we step inside, Anna and I literally spend two minutes crammed next to couples waiting for tables until the claustrophobia forces us out. What I noticed: it’s a dive - definitely the dirtiest of the bars we visited this weekend, they have a 90s-style juke box complete with CDs from that era, and, most importantly, they take great pride in the fact that they are “alcoholics serving alcoholics since 1929”.

THE CENTRAL SALOON: After a failed trip to 5 Point Café, we head over to The Central Saloon for some Seattle rock ’n’ roll history. Open since 1892, it is the oldest saloon in Seattle. Mother Love Bone played their last show here before Andrew Wood died of a fatal heroin overdose. I stand in the doorway and feel chills roll up my spine: it’s that good. No, it’s not as dirty and dingy as its website makes you think, but it has a very classic, wood-and-leather look that I find equally as fun. Anna orders a shot of Jack and I order my usual screwdriver. Make it a double for a dollar more? Yes please. We hang out for about half an hour, indulging in the warm shelter and fantasizing about the bands that played on stage in the 90s. After, we walk a couple doors down to the J&M Café.

THE J&M CAFE: Another super-old saloon in Pioneer Square, The J&M Café, is two doors down from The Central Saloon. Classic and well-maintained, The J&M Café is aesthetically very similar to Central, so I can imagine many people hop from one to the other. Most of the patrons are fixated on the flat screen televisions, cheering their precious Seahawks on to victory. I’m focused on downing vodka and orange juice. Seattle, fuck yeah! The Cobb salad the pink-haired lady sitting next to us ordered looked pretty good..

Liquored up and comfortably enduring the 25-degree weather outside, we make our way over to Capitol Hill for the much anticipated visit to Unicorn.

That's what it looks like! >>>

UNICORN: One step in the door and I am already in love. Striped wallpaper in bubblegum pink, teal, and white adorn the walls. Taxidermy animal heads, pinball machines, photo booth, pimp light fixtures; it’s the booziest circus I’ve ever been to!

I order the Unicorn Jizz as my first drink. The bartender gives me a funny look and says "I don't think any of the bartenders here have ever tried the Unicorn Jizz." Whatever, I ain't proud. It’s sugary sweet and I'm borderline gagging on it, but what other opportunity will I have to say “unicorn jizz” to a bartender with a straight face?

We make a couple friends upstairs (see right) then head downstairs to NARWHAL, and make a couple more. Drunk and sociable, we engage in conversations of gore and death and the underbelly of Los Angeles with the bearded bartender and his chubby tattooed friend (see bartender below). We abuse the photo booth, then bid adieu to the most amazing bar Seattle has to offer (DISCLAIMER: This review is based on an experience from 3:00pm. I cannot vouch for the nighttime scene, but I'm sure it gets crowded as fuck.).

CHA CHA LOUNGE: We end up at Cha Cha Lounge because Anna wants to show me where she met her on-again, off-again boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is the same brand of Cha Cha as in Los Angeles, and there is a reason I avoid this place… coughhipsterscoughcough. Fortunately, this location is homey with sombreros and paintings of Mexican wrestlers on the walls. There's a weird homage to Peter Criss, the least-popular of the original Kiss members, painted on the wall as well.

It’s, like, 5pm, and the bar is empty except for a bartender, covered in tattoos, dreads down to his knees, and eyes like a puppy dog. His name, Joe, and I instantly become smitten. After downing a couple vodka cranberries and shooting the shit with Joe for twenty minutes or so, we head upstairs for a burrito at BIMBOS.

Thirty minutes later, we come back downstairs to discover a gang of new patrons have arrived, stealing Joe’s attention from us. We make some new friends, I guess they're plumbers. I don't know, I'm drunk at this point. We finish our night at Cha Cha; Anna left with a phone full of new numbers, and me with a napkin from some guy named Brad with a phone number and the question “Wanna get breakfast?” written on it. Chad, I disposed of this immediately.

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Top Shelf

Trader Sam's Enchanted Tiki Bar

Three Days in Seattle - Day 3

Three Days in Seattle - Day 2

Authors
Chad (blue font)
Alyssa (pink font)

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Top Shelf

Trader Sam's Enchanted Tiki Bar

Three Days in Seattle - Day 3

Three Days in Seattle - Day 2

AuthorsChad (blue font)Alyssa (pink font)

Archives

Categories

Authors
Chad (blue font)
Alyssa (pink font)