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The Jury Room

8/26/2013

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If you’ve ever had a pervy uncle that made you bounce on his knee while he ran his fingers through your hair, I assure you, this guy was much, much worse. 

Meet Edmund Kemper:

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When he was 15 years old, he shot his grandmother in the head because he “just wanted to see what it felt like to kill Grandma”.  Also, just like any other pubescent kid, he didn’t want to get in trouble for doing something really fucked up so he killed his grandfather in the driveway when he returned home with some groceries.  This may be the kindest gesture of his childhood because, let’s be honest here, no man wants to come home and find his wife’s dead body. 

Naturally there were signs this was coming: antisocial behavior, mutilated cats and bizarre “sexual rituals” with his sisters dolls.  It’s said his mother would often lock him in the basement because she was concerned he would rape his younger sister.  If a violent alcoholic with a borderline personality disorder could figure out what was on the horizon, why couldn’t anyone else?

Anyway, this charming little fella spends 5 years at the Atascadero State Hospital before they turn him loose on Santa Cruz in the early 70s.  Being built like a brick house at close to 7 feet tall with a high IQ and no social skills or marketable talents, he did what came naturally: abducted female college students; stabbed, shot or smothered them; then had sex with their decapitated heads.  Lots of them.

How does this have anything to do with The Underbelly you ask?  Fear not, there’s a bar involved.


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Being a smart and rather ballsy guy, The Co-Ed Killer starts hanging out the local cop bar, The Jury Room:

Apparently, he made friends there with the local law enforcement and they were more than happy to discuss details of the investigations after a few martinis.  In this way, he was able to stay one step ahead.  None suspected that the big gallute had anything to do with the murders.

Eventually, he feels the need bludgeon his mother and her neighbor with a hammer and run to Colorado where he turns himself in.  He’s currently serving life without parole in Vacaville, CA.

Alyssa and I were in Santa Cruz this weekend for the Eddie Money show and decided to swing by and check the place out on Saturday morning around 10am before hitting the 19th Hole for breakfast.

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This is a pretty straightforward dive: standard bar with stools and a handful of small booths.  Concrete floors make mopping up the blood a breeze.  There’s a fireplace for those cold NorCal evenings and a pool table, if that’s your thing.  I was happy to see Guinness on tap.  There are some dollar bills tacked up intermittently around the bar as if the regulars (or college students) thought about starting that tradition but quickly realized that’s one less dollar to spend on booze.  Can’t imagine it’s legal, but you can smoke here.   

Lastly, there’s this tucked away in the corner:


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The bloody brain-eating babies were a really nice and appropriate touch. 

The Jury Room is definitely worth a look if you ever find yourself in Santa Cruz. 



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Birthday/Thirsty Club

8/14/2013

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Although your parents (and society as a whole) may beg to differ, there are a few redeeming qualities to Day Drinking:

1)      THE HOUSE VIBE - It is next to impossible to get a feel for a bar when it’s packed asshole to belly button with drunken dude-bros on a Friday or Saturday night.  Unless, of course, your sole purpose for a night out is to come home smelling like Jagermeister that some jag-off spilled all over you on the road to date rape glory.  Or if you’re into karaoke.  It’s amazing how many people think it’s still 1992 and Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar requested a rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody (this is generally followed by someone singing “Friends In Low Places”.  Just fucking kill me…).  The arrival of the Karaoke Jockey around 8pm is kind of like the street lights coming on as a kid – time to go home.

2)      DRINK SPECIALS - More bang for your buck.  ‘Nuf said.

3)      THE FREAK FACTOR - Lastly, it’s refreshing to hang out every now and again with a room full of people whose lives are clearly more fucked up than yours.  Usually the juke is low enough to carry on a conversation with these folks during the day so you can add to your list of things never to tell a stranger.   Also, the bartenders are less busy and more apt to chat.  This means that if the crazy guy with one eye and a unicorn tattoo at the end of the bar hasn’t told you about the time he dropped his balls on a nest of fire ants for 20 dollars and a half bottle of Dr McGillicuddys, the bartender will break the ice for you.

Anyway, Alyssa just turned 21 (again) this weekend so we took a quick staycation to Redondo Beach for some much needed R&R at Fusion Sushi and Old Tony’s.  [Side note – there is no reason to purchase glassware if you live near Old Tony’s on The Pier.  Although not as novel as the tiki glasses from Joe’s Crab Shack, the Fire Chief glasses from Old Tony’s will meet all your needs and they’re yours to take home.]  On the way down we stopped at a place we’ve passed numerous times called The Thirsty Club. 

From the outside it looks like it may have potential.  The inside is really nothing spectacular.  Every inch of the walls is covered with beer signs and neon and sports stuff.  Whatever, seen it before.  The setup at the bar was pretty cool though.  The stools are mounted on a brick ledge about a foot and a half off the floor putting you up on a proper kingly stoop from which to look down upon the masses.  The far end of the bar hooks around in a horseshoe.  There were some biker types and some rough broads at the far end of the horseshoe but we sat next to a guy drinking Coors, alone, at 2 o’clock on a Friday afternoon.  I understand why because he was kind of weird. 

A couple of sips into our first round somebody buys him a shot but he couldn’t figure out what to order.  I don’t drink shots, he says which I find hard to believe because dude was shitfaced and I don’t know how many weeks that would take from just drinking Coors.  I suggest whiskey and he orders a Fireball.  WTF?  He chokes it down and then asks if we’d like to hear some Def Leppard.   We answer ‘hell yeah’ in stereo.  He makes some good choices at the juke (Dead Kennedys, Van Halen and Def Leppard) and then starts talking:

“I programmed this song,” he says.

“Great song,” I reply.

“Did you program that last one?” 

“Nope.”

“You better not have put a five in there or I’ll never hear the songs I programmed.  I just programmed like ten songs.”

What’s with this “programmed” talk? Over the next hour he must have said it 30 times.  He rambled on for a while about how he’s new to the area, all the places he’s lived, how expensive it can get when you buy rounds for the bar, how awesome Van Halen was (this guy really loves Van Halen), and finally:

“When’s the last time you shaved?” he asks.

“I don’t know...8 months, give or take.”

“Your wifey doesn’t mind?”

“I don’t know, wifey,” I say turning to Alyssa, “do you mind?”

“Not at all,” Alyssa says with a pervy grin. 

The Juke Programmer turns back to his Coors and mumbles, “Humpf.  Beard.”

The Thirsty Club is not a bad place to spend an afternoon.  Although not the seediest of joints, it was fun and the tab came to a whole 20 bucks.  I’ll give it a double ‘X’ as there was a bar dog roaming around.


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Santa Cruz 2013

8/5/2013

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For the past three years, I’ve made it a point to visit Santa Cruz every summer, in part to watch Eddie Money’s annual performance at the Boardwalk, but mainly to visit the town I’ve loved and missed since graduating from UCSC in ‘09.  Last summer, I brought Chad with me and introduced him to all the dirty bars we could fit into one weekend.  Our stops included:

   -99 Bottles
   -Blue Lagoon*
   -Coasters*
   -De Laveaga Golf*
   -El Palomar
   -Monty’s Log Cabin*
   -Rosie McCann’s
   -The Boardwalk*
   -Ye Olde Watering Hole

**I stuck asterisks next to those you NEED to visit, which is essentially all of them**

The annual Eddie Money show is coming up, August 23rd to be exact, and I am dying of excitement!  I’m sure we’ll stop by a few of the ol’ favorites, but I wouldn’t be a good girlfriend/drinking buddy if I didn’t take Chad to some new establishments.  On the roster for 2013:

-Hula’s – Baby loves a good Scorpion Bowl and Hula’s has the
best.
-Moe’s Alley – Latin Funk Jazz band Saturday night.  Need I say more?
-The Red Room – A true standby during my college days; will probably contribute to my future diagnosis of emphysema.
-The Asti – I wonder if that hot bartender Seth still works there?
-Callahans – I enjoy a little danger with my drink.

-Brady's Yacht Club - Boner!
-Jury Room – According to Wikipedia, serial killer Edmund Kemper was a regular here in the early 70s…get some!

Have you been to any Santa Cruz bars that need my attention?  Recommendations are always appreciated. 

Xxx,
Alyssa Heater



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